When Your Marriage Feels Like It's Falling Apart

2. Poor Communication

You either don't talk about important things, or when you do, it escalates into conflict. Maybe one of you shuts down while the other pursues. Perhaps criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—what researchers call the "Four Horsemen" of marriage destruction—have become your communication pattern.

Proverbs 18:21 warns: "The tongue has the power of life and death." Your words to each other either build up or tear down. There's rarely neutral ground.

3. Selfishness and Pride

This is the root of nearly every marriage problem. You want your needs met, your preferences honored, your way chosen. Both of you dig in, neither willing to yield. Pride says, "I won't apologize first" or "Why should I change when they're the problem?"

But Philippians 2:3-4 commands: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Marriage thrives when both partners prioritize serving, not being served.

4. Lack of Spiritual Foundation

You're trying to build a marriage without God at the center. You don't pray together, rarely attend church together, and never discuss spiritual matters. Without Christ as your foundation, you're building on sand (Matthew 7:26-27). When storms come—and they will—your marriage has nothing solid to stand on.

5. Unresolved Past Wounds

Baggage from childhood, past relationships, or previous hurts in this marriage create invisible barriers. You react to your spouse based on old wounds rather than present reality. Bitterness, unforgiveness, and unhealed trauma poison current interactions.

6. External Pressures

Financial stress, work demands, parenting challenges, extended family issues, health problems—life's pressures squeeze your marriage. Instead of facing these as a team, you turn on each other, making your spouse the enemy rather than the ally.

God's Design for Marriage

Before discussing solutions, remember God's original design. Genesis 2:24 establishes the pattern: "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh." Marriage is a covenant—a sacred, binding promise before God, not a contract you can cancel when dissatisfied.

The Mystery of Marriage

Ephesians 5:31-32 reveals: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church."

Your marriage is meant to be a living picture of Christ's relationship with the church—sacrificial love, covenantal commitment, grace-filled patience, pursuing devotion. When people see your marriage, they should get a glimpse of God's love. That's the high calling.

Steps Toward Healing and Restoration

If you're committed to saving your marriage, here's a biblical roadmap. This won't be easy or quick. Real restoration takes time, humility, and consistent effort from both partners. But it's worth fighting for.

Step 1: Make a Covenant Commitment

Decide right now: divorce is not an option (except in cases of abuse or adultery where safety and biblical grounds exist). When divorce is off the table, you stop threatening it in arguments and start investing in solutions. Tell your spouse: "I'm committed to this marriage. I'm going to fight for us, not against you."

This commitment isn't based on feelings—feelings fluctuate. It's based on covenant. You made a promise before God and witnesses. Honor that promise regardless of how you currently feel.

Step 2: Invite God into Your Marriage

You can't fix this alone. You need divine intervention. Start praying individually for your marriage and your spouse. Pray blessings over them even when you're hurt or angry. This is spiritual warfare—you're fighting for your marriage in the heavenly realm.

Pray together if possible, even if it's awkward at first. Hold hands and pray for just two minutes. Ask God to heal, restore, and transform your marriage. There's power when couples pray together.

Step 3: Take Ownership of Your Part

Stop focusing on what your spouse does wrong and examine your own heart. Matthew 7:3-5 asks: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" What have you contributed to the marriage problems?

Make a list of your failures, sins, and shortcomings in the marriage. Confess them to God, then humbly share them with your spouse: "I recognize I've contributed to our problems by..." This vulnerability often softens hard hearts.

Step 4: Extend and Ask for Forgiveness

You both have hurt each other. Forgiveness is non-negotiable for marriage survival. Release your spouse from debts they owe you. Cancel the ledger of wrongs you've kept. This doesn't mean forgetting or pretending it didn't hurt—it means choosing not to hold it against them.

Also ask forgiveness for ways you've wounded them. A genuine "I'm sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me" is powerful. No justifications, no "but you..." Just own it and ask forgiveness.

Step 5: Learn Each Other's Love Languages

Gary Chapman's concept of love languages explains why spouses often feel unloved despite efforts. The five languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. You might be speaking different languages.

Discover your spouse's primary love language and intentionally express love in that way, even if it doesn't come naturally. When they feel loved in their language, they're more likely to reciprocate in yours.

Step 6: Improve Communication

Learn to fight fair. Establish ground rules: no name-calling, no bringing up past forgiven issues, no leaving during conflict, no threats of divorce. Use "I feel" statements instead of "You always/never" accusations.

Practice reflective listening: repeat back what you heard your spouse say to ensure understanding before responding. Seek first to understand, then to be understood (James 1:19). Schedule regular "state of the union" talks where you can discuss concerns calmly.

Step 7: Prioritize Your Marriage

Your marriage should be second only to your relationship with God—before children, career, hobbies, or anything else. Schedule regular date nights. Make time for meaningful conversation. Protect your marriage from intrusions.

This means sometimes disappointing your children, saying no to work opportunities, or missing other events to invest in your marriage. What you prioritize gets your energy. Make your marriage a priority through your time and attention.

Step 8: Pursue Physical and Emotional Intimacy

First Corinthians 7:3-5 instructs couples not to deprive each other sexually except by mutual agreement for prayer. Physical intimacy often mirrors emotional connection. If you've grown distant physically, work on emotional closeness first, then the physical usually follows.

Be generous with affection—hold hands, hug, kiss, cuddle. Touch releases bonding hormones. Regular sexual intimacy (appropriate only within marriage) strengthens your bond and protects against temptation.

Step 9: Get Professional Help

There's no shame in marriage counseling. Proverbs 11:14 says, "For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers." A godly Christian counselor can provide tools, perspective, and accountability you can't get alone.

Many couples wait too long to seek help. Don't wait until you're in crisis mode. If you're struggling, get help now. Your marriage is worth the investment.

Step 10: Create New Patterns

Old destructive patterns got you here. You need new healthy patterns. Maybe it's praying together each morning, weekly date nights, daily conversation time, or serving together. Establish routines that strengthen your connection.

Celebrate progress, no matter how small. If you had a week without a major fight, that's worth noting. If you had meaningful conversation, acknowledge it. What gets celebrated gets repeated.

When Only One Spouse Is Trying

Maybe you're ready to fight for your marriage, but your spouse has checked out or is unwilling to work on things. This is incredibly painful. Here's what you can do:

Focus on What You Can Control

You can't change your spouse, but you can change yourself. Become the spouse you wish you had. Love unconditionally. Serve sacrificially. Pray persistently. Sometimes transformation in one spouse eventually impacts the other.

Pray Fervently

Prayer changes things. Pray for your spouse's heart to soften, for their eyes to be opened, for God to work in ways you cannot. Remember 1 Peter 3:1-2 about wives winning husbands through godly behavior. The same principle applies to husbands.

Don't Enable Sin

If your spouse is involved in addiction, abuse, or unrepentant adultery, loving them doesn't mean tolerating sin. Set healthy boundaries. Separation (not divorce) might be necessary for safety and to allow consequences that could lead to repentance.

Seek Support

Don't isolate. Connect with trusted friends, a pastor, or a support group. You need people to pray with you, encourage you, and hold you accountable to stay in a godly mindset.

A Testimony of Restoration

My wife and I were headed for divorce. Years of hurt, poor communication, and selfishness had created a wall between us. We were roommates, not lovers. Divorce papers were drafted.

Then a couple from church invited us to a marriage retreat. We almost didn't go, but something made us say yes. That weekend, we heard other couples' testimonies of God restoring broken marriages. We learned biblical principles we'd never applied. We started praying together for the first time in years.

Restoration didn't happen overnight. It took months of counseling, hard conversations, forgiveness, and rebuilding trust. But today, our marriage is stronger than ever. We're not perfect, but we're committed. We're not just surviving—we're thriving. What the enemy meant for destruction, God turned into a testimony of His redemptive power.

Today's Prayer

Lord, my marriage is struggling, and I need Your help. I can't fix this alone. I invite You into every broken place, every painful memory, every wound. Heal what's damaged. Restore what's broken. Soften hard hearts—starting with mine. Give us humility to own our failures and grace to forgive each other. Remove pride, selfishness, and bitterness. Replace them with love, patience, and compassion. Help us see each other through Your eyes. Remind us of why we fell in love. Rekindle passion and deepen friendship. Make our marriage a testimony of Your redemptive power. We surrender our marriage to You. Do what only You can do. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Action Steps for This Week

1. Have an honest conversation with your spouse: "Our marriage is struggling. I want to fight for us. Are you willing to work on this together?"
2. If they say yes, schedule time this week to discuss what each of you needs and commit to specific changes.
3. If they say no or are non-committal, commit to working on yourself and praying for them. Read a marriage book or listen to a Christian marriage podcast.
4. Remove divorce from your vocabulary. Make a covenant before God that you'll fight for this marriage.
5. Do something kind for your spouse without expecting anything in return. Serve them in a way that's meaningful to them.
6. Research Christian marriage counselors in your area and make an appointment, even if you go alone initially.
7. Write down what you first loved about your spouse. Reflect on those qualities and thank God for them.

Final Encouragement

Your marriage is worth fighting for. Don't listen to the voice that says it's too broken or too late. The same God who raises the dead can resurrect dead marriages. The same Jesus who turned water into wine can turn your sorrow into joy.

It won't be easy. Restoration requires humility, forgiveness, patience, and consistent effort. But imagine celebrating your 50th anniversary, looking back on this crisis as the moment everything changed—when you chose to fight instead of flee.

God hates divorce because He loves you and knows the pain it brings. He wants your marriage to thrive. Partner with Him. Do the work. Trust His process. Your breakthrough is coming.

"What God has joined together, let no one separate." - Mark 10:9