The Heavy Burden of Unforgiveness
Have you ever noticed how one bitter memory can poison an entire day? How a decades-old hurt can suddenly flood back as if it happened yesterday? Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It's a prison where you are both the guard and the prisoner, holding yourself captive while the person who hurt you often remains free.
Perhaps someone betrayed your trust, spoke cruel words, abandoned you in your time of need, or caused you deep pain. The wound may be fresh or decades old, but the ache remains. You might think, "They don't deserve forgiveness" or "If I forgive them, I'm saying what they did was okay." But forgiveness isn't about them—it's about your freedom.
Key Scripture: Ephesians 4:31-32
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
What Forgiveness Is Not
Before we explore what forgiveness is, let's clarify what it's not. These misconceptions keep many people trapped in unforgiveness:
1. Forgiveness Is Not Excusing the Behavior
Forgiving someone doesn't mean saying, "What you did wasn't that bad" or "It's okay." Wrong is still wrong. Sin is still sin. Forgiveness acknowledges the pain while choosing not to hold it against the person.
2. Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting
You may remember what happened for the rest of your life. Forgiveness doesn't erase memory; it removes the emotional charge. You remember without reliving the pain.
3. Forgiveness Is Not Trusting Immediately
Forgiveness can be instant, but trust must be rebuilt over time. You can forgive someone and still maintain healthy boundaries. Forgiveness doesn't mean giving someone repeated opportunities to hurt you.
4. Forgiveness Is Not Waiting for an Apology
If you wait for the other person to apologize before you forgive, you give them power over your healing. They may never apologize, but you can still be free. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Why We Must Forgive
1. Because We Have Been Forgiven
The foundation of Christian forgiveness is God's forgiveness of us. Colossians 3:13 says, "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Before we did anything to earn it, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).
Consider the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18:21-35. A servant owed his king millions—an unpayable debt. The king forgave it all. But that same servant then refused to forgive a fellow servant who owed him a few dollars. When the king heard this, he reinstated the first servant's debt.
The point? We've been forgiven an infinite debt of sin against a holy God. How can we refuse to forgive others' sins against us? When we grasp the magnitude of our forgiveness, it empowers us to forgive others.
2. Because Unforgiveness Hurts Us More Than Them
Medical research confirms what the Bible has always taught: bitterness and unforgiveness have physical consequences. Studies link unforgiveness to increased stress, higher blood pressure, weakened immune system, depression, and anxiety. Unforgiveness literally makes you sick.
More importantly, unforgiveness blocks your spiritual growth. Jesus said if you don't forgive others, your Father won't forgive you (Matthew 6:14-15). This doesn't mean you lose your salvation, but it creates a barrier in your relationship with God. How can you receive God's forgiveness daily while refusing to extend it to others?
3. Because Bitterness Spreads
Hebrews 12:15 warns: "See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." Bitterness never stays contained. It seeps into other relationships, colors how you see the world, and affects those around you—especially your children who learn from your example.
The Process of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is rarely a one-time event, especially for deep wounds. It's often a process that requires multiple decisions. Here's a biblical framework:
Step 1: Acknowledge the Pain
Don't minimize or spiritualize away what happened. Be honest with God about how much it hurt. David's psalms are filled with raw, honest expressions of pain. God can handle your emotions. Pour out your heart to Him (Psalm 62:8).
Step 2: Make the Decision to Forgive
Forgiveness starts with a decision, not a feeling. You may not feel like forgiving, but you can choose to obey God's command. Pray: "Lord, I choose to forgive [name] for [specific offense]. I release them from my judgment and place them in Your hands."
Step 3: Release the Debt
When you forgive, you're canceling a debt. They owe you an apology, justice, or restitution, but you're choosing to absorb the cost rather than requiring payment. This mirrors what Christ did for us—He absorbed the cost of our sin on the cross.
Step 4: Refuse Revenge
Romans 12:19 says, "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord." When you forgive, you're trusting God to handle justice in His way and His timing. Your job is to release, not repay.
Step 5: Bless Your Offender
This is the hardest step, but it's what Jesus modeled. Luke 6:27-28 commands: "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." When you pray blessings over someone who hurt you, something breaks in the spiritual realm.
You don't have to feel warm emotions toward them, but you can genuinely pray for their well-being and salvation. This act of obedience often brings the breakthrough in your own heart.
Step 6: Keep Choosing Forgiveness
The enemy will bring the memory back to stir up old pain. When that happens, remind yourself: "I already forgave that. I'm not picking that burden back up." This is what Jesus meant when He said to forgive "seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:22)—keep forgiving every time the memory resurfaces.
When Forgiveness Feels Impossible
Some hurts feel too big to forgive. Abuse, betrayal, abandonment, loss—these wounds cut deep. If you're struggling to forgive, here's what helps:
1. Remember You Can't Do It Alone
You need God's supernatural help. Pray: "Lord, I can't forgive in my own strength. Give me Your heart for this person. Help me see them through Your eyes. Empower me to do what seems impossible."
2. Consider Professional Help
Deep trauma may require working with a Christian counselor who can help you process the pain and walk through forgiveness in a healthy way. There's wisdom in seeking help.
3. Give Yourself Grace
Forgiveness is a journey. You might take two steps forward and one step back. That's okay. Keep choosing forgiveness even when it's hard. God sees your heart and honors your willingness.
4. Focus on Jesus' Example
On the cross, while experiencing unimaginable physical and spiritual agony, Jesus prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34). If Jesus could forgive those who crucified Him, His power in you can enable you to forgive your offender.
The Testimony of Freedom
I once harbored deep unforgiveness toward a family member who wounded me profoundly. For years, I rehearsed the offense, imagined confrontations, and felt justified in my bitterness. It poisoned my relationships and my walk with God.
Finally, broken and exhausted, I cried out to God. He asked me, "Are you ready to be free?" In that moment, I realized my unforgiveness hurt me far more than it hurt them. I chose to forgive—not because they deserved it, but because I needed freedom.
The release was instantaneous. It felt like heavy chains falling off. I still remembered what happened, but the emotional weight was gone. The person never apologized, but I was free anyway. That's the power of forgiveness.
Today's Prayer
Heavenly Father, I confess I've been holding onto unforgiveness. I've allowed bitterness to take root in my heart. Today, I choose to forgive [name the person]. I release them from my judgment and place them in Your hands. I ask You to help me see them through Your eyes of compassion. Heal the wounds they caused. Free me from the prison of unforgiveness. Fill the empty spaces with Your love and peace. Thank You for forgiving me; help me extend that same grace to others. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Action Steps for This Week
- Make a list of everyone you need to forgive, including yourself. Write beside each name: "I choose to forgive you for..." Be specific.
- Pray through your list daily, declaring forgiveness over each person.
- If appropriate and safe, consider reaching out to someone you've hurt to seek their forgiveness.
- When memories of past hurts surface, immediately say: "I already forgave that. I will not pick up that burden again."
- Read and meditate on Jesus' forgiveness parables: the unmerciful servant (Matthew 18:21-35) and the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).
Final Encouragement
Forgiveness is one of the most powerful weapons in your spiritual arsenal. It breaks chains, heals wounds, restores relationships, and sets you free. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it may feel unfair. But it's the path Jesus walked, and it's the path that leads to freedom.
You don't have to forget what happened, you don't have to trust blindly, and you don't have to put yourself back in harm's way. But you do need to release the offense and the offender to God. Your healing doesn't depend on their apology—it depends on your obedience to forgive.
Today can be your day of freedom. Choose forgiveness. Watch God break chains. Experience the peace that comes from an unencumbered heart.
"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." - Colossians 3:13
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